Year in Review

I hated 2020. It took so much from me: stripped me of my identity, removed me from the people I love, sent me back home prematurely and then gave me nothing but time, forcing me to think about all that I had lost. It sucked. It led to a lot of really rough days and immobilizing sadness about wanting things to return to normal, but not knowing when that would happen. A lot of 2020 was characterized by just that: not knowing. I’m quite content living in denial, but this was so big that I couldn’t ignore it. News coverage was constantly reminding us that COVID was upending our lives and social media was worse – there was just no way to escape looking at it and all of my normal coping mechanisms were gone. I no longer had soccer to lean back on, friends to hang out with, or even just school to focus on. 

It’s really, really hard to see the big picture, especially when the shitstorm that’s right in front of you is so bad. It took me months to finally realize that I had written my own prophecy and man, was I fulfilling it. By labeling the pandemic as bad, I made it so and one day, I realized that I had the power to relabel it. Saying it now makes it sound easy but relabeling something in your head takes grueling, systematic change in everything you do and above all, takes time. I completely restructured my days, threw myself into learning new things, focused only on what I could control, and stopped looking at the news and social media so much. I learned to take solace in knowing that I would one day accomplish the things that were important to me but knew that I couldn’t put a date on those things right now. 

Through changing my mindset, I completely redefined 2020. Despite spending the vast majority of the year in my childhood bedroom, I went through a year of personal growth of the highest order. It seems that when you lose everything you thought you needed, you realize how much you have. My family and I have talked about a lot throughout the past year (what else is there to do), and I realized that the way I’m going to live my life post-COVID will be significantly different than the way I would have pre-COVID.

Leaving Falmouth and going to school in rural Pennsylvania exposed me to my privilege in a shocking way, yet the pandemic drove the point home. I realized how lucky I was to be living at home comfortably, wanting a job, but not needing one because my parents were covering the costs. During the protests this summer, I was again face to face with the privilege of looking like a white woman who tans nicely in the summer rather than reflecting more of my East Indian heritage. I have an amazing family that supports my decisions and loves me – no matter how far away they are. We might not have been able to have a traditional Thanksgiving, but I’ve been counting my blessings all year long and that’s made life feel more whole and meaningful. 

As we finished opening gifts on Christmas morning, I was content with how I’d finished the year and was excited for the hope 2021 represented. In the next few days, my family and I would find out that we had somehow contracted COVID – we’re still not sure how, masks are always worn, and we’ve limited the places we’ve gone since March – and the mindset I’d handcrafted over ten months threatened to collapse. Luckily, due to good habits and luck, my grandmother didn’t contract the virus, but we still did. The very thing we changed our entire lives for, for a year, happened. In the time I wasn’t sleeping, I sat in bed frustrated and pissed. What the fuck was it all for then? 

I won’t lie, I let myself see red for a little while. I kept myself secluded in my room because I didn’t want to see anyone else – it was impossible not to think negatively. The change came when again, I realized that I had the opportunity to define my year how I wanted. I could easily let it be for nothing, a year of my life wasted. But that’s the thing – it wasn’t wasted. In 2020 I became more resilient, learned to play guitar, connected more with those I love than I would have during a regular year, did cool things with my family, got to pet a dog every single day, created a blog, picked up another master’s degree, the list goes on…How could I let something that claimed five days ruin my entire year? I couldn’t and I wouldn’t. (To be clear, COVID sucked and lasted a week and a half, but I was only sick in 2020 from the 26^th-31^st.)

I’ve never been more excited for my future than I am right now. After a year that could have crippled me, I’m emerging stronger than I was before. I’m guided by redefined values and I have the confidence in knowing now that I can get through anything. I would never want to go through that experience again (reminder: 2020 sucked no matter what), but my life course has been positively altered because of it, so therefore I have to be thankful for it. 

When I created athlete state of mind, I didn’t really know what I wanted it to be. I wanted to talk about soccer and athletics, but I chose to do it in the first year when I didn’t have any of that. While of course I hope to immerse myself in soccer again in 2021, I think my purpose for this blog is about leading your life through the lens of an athlete. My strongest – arguably best – traits were built by teammates and coaches and shitty fitness tests throughout the years. Without soccer, I don’t know if I would have persevered through 2020 in the same way that I did. Being in an athlete state of mind is when I’m at my best, when I’m the most comfortable, successful, and confident. 

I want to challenge those of you reading this to look over your year and find the good that came from it. To an extent, we have the power to make ourselves miserable by the way we frame our thinking – so how did you frame 2020? Was it good or bad? As we make our way through the second week of 2021, try and remember to take the time to realize what you’re grateful for. Train your brain with the same effort you would your body, attain an athlete state of mind, and you’ll take control of your life in an incredibly empowering way. 

Thank you, 2020, here’s to the hope of 2021!