When the Going Gets Hard, It Might Get Harder

It’s hard to hear Kelsey Thoensen’s story and not be in awe of her resilience in the face of adversity. While playing lacrosse at Slippery Rock University, Kelsey’s senior year was riddled with heartbreak, loss, and internal battles. Like most athletes, she had planned for her final year to be her best, but due to circumstances out of her control, her world turned upside down. If you hadn’t known Kelsey (or maybe even if you had), you might have never known that she had so much going on. It’s important to remember that you don’t always know the full story or the extent of each other’s pain, and even though they might be excelling on the field or in the classroom, it doesn’t mean that they aren’t struggling. 

The following is a recap of a conversation about mental health, injuries, and loss.

Could you start with a little backstory? When did mental health start impacting you?

So, my parents got divorced when I was 5 and at the time, I didn’t really understand what was going on. I just knew that something was different with my family, other families were taking trips and doing stuff together and mine wasn’t. That’s when the depression and anxiety kinda started, though at the time I didn’t know what it was, I just felt different and off.

Growing up, I was constantly busy. I danced, played soccer, field hockey and ran cross country and track, and in high school I played lacrosse year-round. I put my depression and anxiety on the back burner and staying busy helped me not think about things. But every time I’d get home and have time to myself to think, it would all hit me, and I would think “I’m lonely.” College is when things really got intense and I was at the lowest of my lows, especially in my senior year. I’ll talk more about it later.

Who were your biggest supports?

My family, for sure. Growing up and stuff, I was always able to talk to them, but I would kinda hide things, too. I would tell them “I’m feeling depressed” and then when they would ask me specifics, I would always be like “oh, no, I don’t feel like” or “no, I never contemplated suicide,” when deep down, I knew that sometimes I felt really, really sad and didn’t want to be here. I’d try and play it off though because I didn’t want my parents to worry. Anyway, In college, they were my biggest supporters. Even though we live 5 hours from Slippery Rock, they’d be at every game, no matter if it was a night game or if they’d have to leave work early to get there. When they weren’t there, I’d call my mom if I had a bad day or bad practice and cry for a couple of minutes.

In terms of support at school, you know as a student-athlete, I was really lucky to have really supportive and empowering coaches, especially Kelsey Van Alstyne. At the time, a lot was going on, but they always gave me a safe space to go in and talk to them when I was having a terrible day. They didn’t judge us for that and genuinely cared about us outside of lacrosse.

Besides my coaches, our athletic trainer, Molly Parsons was really there for me. I was constantly in the training room doing rehab every day before practices and even though I hated doing it, she made it bearable. I remember at one point she sent out an email to the team about mental health resources and she’d make sure to check in with every player. During practices or PT, Molly was the first person I’d go to. She and all of the other girls in there doing PT were so supportive.

When it came to my teammates, I mostly kept stuff to myself. Except for telling maybe 2 or 3 teammates (they know who they are), it didn’t feel like something I could walk into the locker room and talk about. We were there for lacrosse and I didn’t want to be a burden to them as we were all trying to get hype.

It seems like you’ve lost a lot, can you talk a little bit about that?

Well, everything really bad began senior year. So, summer leading up to fall preseason, I started getting frustrated because my hip was hurting before anything had even started. I was ok for most of the packet workouts, but once you get to school, you’re working out for 4 hours a day. Despite that, I wanted to have the best senior year. I would work for 12 hours, get up at 5am to work out and get another workout in later if I could. In the back of my mind, I knew something was up, but I didn’t want to call my coach before I even got to school to tell her I was hurt. We talked and I decided to keep playing on my hip for all of fall ball.

My hip problem continued. I was conflicted because I wanted to rest it so that I didn’t miss out on the entirety of my senior year, but if you miss a week in college, you lose your spot. I was so frustrated because this was supposed to be my best year. I would feel so bad watching my teammates because I couldn’t help them. I knew it wasn’t my fault, but it was heavy. I would act fine at tournaments and games and then go home and just cry myself to sleep.

I realized I had no choice and that I had to start being vulnerable with people and to start learning to talk about the fact that I was struggling. I really depended on my coaches and Molly, especially because I was struggling so much with myself and now. It felt like everything was crashing down. I didn’t think things could get any worse.

I finally got an MRI on my hip and while they had initially thought I had a labrum tear, I had a stress fracture on my femoral neck. I was immediately told to stop walking and put on crutches for at least 6 weeks. Due to the nature of where the fracture was, they couldn’t do surgery, I just had to wait to let it heal. After every MRI (I ended up getting 3), I still wasn’t getting cleared and the season was creeping up. It wasn’t looking like I was going to be able to play, so over winter break, I made the plan to redshirt and do a master’s program online at Slippery Rock.

Recovery wasn’t going well. Running had always been my emotional outlet and now, I was only allowed to run ¼ of a mile per week. At this point I had been on crutches for 13 weeks. I wasn’t eating because I was so depressed, and I would just lay in bed all day. It felt like my world was done with, I had lived my dream to be a college athlete and now that was gone.

I finally got cleared to start running consistently and I remember it like it was yesterday, as soon as he said he was going to clear me, I started happy crying. My doctor said, “that’s the first time I’ve seen you smile in 8 months in this office.” That hit me pretty hard. Throughout my visits, he’d always ask how I was doing and offer resources and I would always turn him down, telling him I was fine. I had felt like how can I get better if I can’t even make myself better here (points to head).

 Then he told me that I’ll probably never be 100% again, that I’ll always be day-to-day from here on out. He agreed to submit my redshirt letter if that’s what I wanted but didn’t think that it would be in my best interest. At 21, I was already developing arthritis and osteoporosis, running for hours a day wouldn’t be healthy for me. I didn’t know what to do, I was a mess.

I eventually decided to quit lacrosse because my mental health was getting so bad. It felt like I was showing up for no reason, just going to rehab and watching teammates while knowing I was never going to get to play again. Looking back, that decision really helped me find myself. When you’re a student-athlete, you have to perform no matter how bad your day was and you’re expected to be just as good in the classroom. Nobody cares that you were on a bus until 11pm last night and have an 8am the next morning with a paper you haven’t finished yet. You’re a student-athlete, that’s what’s expected of you. And I just couldn’t do it anymore.

Over that same winter break, I discovered melanoma on my shoulder and had to get surgery to remove it. There was a team bonding trip for my team that I ended up staying home from, since with stitches, I wouldn’t be able to do anything anyway. I was actually at a spin class when my dad called me (I had recently been cleared to bike) and he said, “I’m coming to pick you up, we have to go see Grandma now. They said she probably only has until the end of the day.” I grew up being super close with her, spending every day together since my parents were always working. Because the melanoma in my shoulder had kept me home from the trip, I got to lay with her as she passed.

After everything I’d been through, I realized that everything happens for a reason. As much as I didn’t want surgery on my shoulder, it meant that I got to be home for her last moments. She died on the 17^th and my college lacrosse number was 17. I knew everything was going to be ok, I just have to figure it out. Everything happened at the same time, from fall to winter. I was just a 21 year-old in college trying to have fun with friends, but how can I when everything on my mind was just weighing me down?

Molly ended up texting me months later because she knew I had been cleared and was just checking in to see how I was doing. That was the first time I really thought about “how am I doing?” She won’t know this, but that was what really started my journey of self-care and self-reflection.

What have you learned about yourself through it all?

You really have to take time to care and invest in yourself. When I couldn’t run like I wanted to, I found other things to do like taking my dog for hikes or listening to a podcast while biking. I reflected by thinking back to how I felt during different times and what the different moments taught me. It took until a couple of months ago for me to realize, holy crap, I did all of that and if I can do that, I can do anything. Without that stuff happening, I wouldn’t have gained this self-confidence or known who I really am. I did things for me that made me happy, without anyone judging me or influencing me. I didn’t have to pretend I was something I wasn’t.

Any advice for people who might be reading this?

Take it one day at a time. Every appointment, I’d go in with the intention of getting cleared and would be let down. Don’t have expectations, just like coaches tell us to take it one game at a time, take it one day at a time. In the big picture, all of these significant things that happen to you are just moments. Learn from them. When I looked back and realized how crazy it was that I got through everything, it made me want to share it.

Also, utilize your resources and those close to you. Especially in athletics, find the people you can confide in, they truly care for us and want us to succeed. In my first break back from school my freshman year, I went home and told my family how nice everyone at school was.

Be vulnerable. Don’t be scared to ask for help. Finding those people to confide in helps, including confiding in yourself. Just express those feelings in someway. Write it out, go for a walk and think. It will consume you if you don’t.

As athletes, we’re always hard on ourselves, it’s our natural state. Once you get to college, you realize that you’re not the best, everyone’s as good as you. We dream of getting to that level and once we’re there, it’s hard to keep it in perspective. Especially once I had it taken from me, I felt like life lost purpose. But, we have to remember that being an athlete is part of us, not who we are.

Anything else you want to add?

My boyfriend and I recently started our own dog-waste clean-up business and bought a house! Being able to throw myself into something, pour my passion into it and totally be myself has been amazing. Invest in yourself and find what really makes you happy deep down. As long as you’re happy, it doesn’t matter what anyone else is doing, you’re good.

As Kelsey mentioned, getting help by using available resources and reaching out to friends and family is extremely important. If you or someone you know needs help getting started and doesn’t know quite where to start, I created a resources page at the top of the site that might be able to point you in the right direction. Stay strong and be there for one another.

If you or someone else is considering suicide and needs resources, they can be found at suicidepreventionlifeline.org