Ok, so that title is super dramatic, we don’t necessarily lose them. Some of us will remain friends for years, attending each other’s weddings, planning annual trips to meet up, or getting together for the occasional dinner. But that’s just for those that we’re closest with. After school ends, the support we had come to rely on for four (or five) years is over. It’s crazy that after all you go through together, there are teammates that you won’t see or hear from again.
If you’re lucky like I was, your team will have an amazingly honest, compassionate, and fun culture. Choosing to go to school so far from home was hard, especially since I was so close with my family. We’re eighteen when we get dropped off at college and though we’re legally adults, we’re far from it. (I can say this now as a twenty-two year-old who still doesn’t feel like an adult.) Having a home away from home is super important and teams that can create that environment do so much good for their players and their programs as a whole. Unfortunately, when you leave it, it sucks even more.
From day one on campus until I left school unknowingly for the last time in March, my teammates have been there for me. I don’t mean this in just a “they’ve got my back” kind of way. I mean if I wanted to go play soccer tennis at the rec center, I’d ask Miranda. If I wanted to go to the library late night but needed a ride home, I’d text Haley. A stupid joke? Call Shannon. Want to juggle after practice? Ask Emily to stay. Want to relax and talk about nothing for hours? Go see Katy, Jordy, Meg and Georgia.
Almost every day for four years, all of our needs are consistently met by the different people on our teams. There’s so much support that we don’t even recognize. Anything that I wanted to do, I had a list of twenty or more people in the event that the first person I asked said no. Think about a time when an opponent had a dirty play against one of your teammates. It didn’t matter if you were super close to them or not, you were pissed off that they dared touch someone from your family. Through the good (winning) and the bad (losing, fitness), a uniquely strong bond is formed.
After we graduate from our programs or even just complete our eligibility, that bond starts to change. The next year’s team has to focus on the future so we’re left behind to become the dreaded NARP (non-athletic regular person). I’ve spoken a lot about feeling like I’ve lost my identity once my collegiate career ended. That didn’t just mean I was no longer a soccer player, or a student-athlete, it meant that I didn’t have access to those support systems either. Sure, there’s always catching up, but it’s just that, catching up. Gone are the days when your immediate realities are intertwined.
By writing this, I’m not expecting my past teammates to reach out to me (though if you do, sweet). I’m speaking to those of you who are here now and confused as to why you’ve been feeling lonely, or those that have been here and want reassurance that what they’re feeling is real, or just to those of you that are preparing for the end of your careers. I got an opportunity to meet and befriend so many awesome people over the past four years and I’m just grieving the loss of my norm.
Our coaches and past players always told us that the games and personal performances were not what you’d remember, it was the times together with your teammates. In the moment, it’s hard to believe that. But looking back, the memories I hold dearest to my heart (besides the bangers that I scored and meeting Alex Morgan) are the ones with my teammates. As Abby Way said in her interview last week, the NCAA’s clock is always ticking, so it’s especially important to take advantage of the moments you have. To those of you who are seniors and unsure that you’ll return to play next year no matter if you get eligibility back, spend this time with your teammates. At the end of the day, those relationships and memories will matter more than anything else.
It’s important to foster those relationships we miss, on either side of the eligibility line. If you miss your teammate, call or text them. Remind them that you’re thinking of them and haven’t forgotten them. You don’t necessarily know what’s going on in their lives anymore and that text might be exactly what they (or even you) need.
If you want to share your story or just connect, you can reach me at tspence210@gmail.com or any of my social media accounts.
If you or someone else is considering suicide and needs resources, they can be found at suicidepreventionlifeline.org
This is a great idea, Tyler. Let me know if want to hear from a college athlete 30 years later and what the team meant to me. Then and now.
Way to go!
Thank you so much! I’d love to hear about it!